Short lived post, will deleted in month or so.

I...

Have done a lot of things in this world

Shallow enough, shabby enough

Not too silly, but destructive.

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Di usia 30 ini gw sudah merasa bahwa hampir semua hal yang patut dicobain di dunia ini telah gw cobain

Not all of them are good things, there are bad things too.

Di usia 30 ini juga telah banyak manusia manusia yang gw sakitin baik yang gw ketahui, ataupun yang gak gw ketahui

tapi banyak juga yang mungkin telah gw bantu dalam hidupnya tapi tidak gw ketahui

Banyak juga silaturahmi2 yang terputus, juga silaturahmi2 baru yang terbentuk

Banyak juga cerita - cerita yang mungkin dapat gw kenang seumur hidup, dan banyak juga cerita yang sedapat mungkin ingin gw lupakan sesegera mungkin

Banyak sesal yang telah teralami, dan banyak juga syukur atas hal yang terjadi

Banyak manusia - manusia yg gw harapkan dapat bertahan dalam hidup, banyak juga manusia yang gw harapkan dapat gw lepaskan

That's the beauty of life tho, sometimes I received scars deep enough to bleed someone to death. Sometimes I got scars from the place that I never expected.

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Life's been good lately, I found new foundation of hope.

Buat rekan2 pembaca ku sekalian, biar gw kabarkan bahwa gw baru saja mengakhiri hubungan dengan wanita.

Note the first one, but I hope. For the last time.

The reason?

Perbedaan yang saangat jauh dalam visi dan misi dasar kehidupan, membuat gw ragu untuk menjalani hubungan lebih jauh, perbedaan mengenai cara melihat dunia, perbedaan dalam pandangan politik, hingga tata cara berkehidupan sehari - hari.

Pretty complex, but it is what it is. We didn't come from the same neighborhood.

At first, I thought that I was not heartbroken, and thought that I'm getting used to it.

Gw juga merasa bahwa ya sulit untuk kembali berjalan sendiri lagi , untuk membiasakan diri lagi untuk berbaur dengan masyarakat secara normal tanpa ada bahasan mengenai dia.

Because, it has become my personality (?) 

Temen2 kantor mengenal nya, temen deket gw pun mengenalnya, sehingga ya bahan obrolan pun tentang dia.

It's kinda sad and heart breaking to spread the news, I keep quiet when people ask about her and when people creating story about me and her together.

All I could say was everything is okay, yes, maybe one day.

But my heart break

it's quite and silent.

It doesn't need to be loud

But the crack is clear

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It's clear that she didn't want me anymore.

But that's alright , the more I think, the more I believe that our relationship starting from something bad.

I broke someone's hope, it's much much more heartbreaking for me.

It's not a simple life here and there, but I know I am the biggest asshole at that time

I didn't even know what was going on, and why did I do that.

Like my eyes got blinded, my heart got closed.

As I was far, far away from Allah.

I easily left someone that had me as her hope.

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But I'm a human, I still have empathy toward her. 

Why the hell you don't understand, why do you want me to kill her of my head so bad?

Just because I have empathy, does not mean that I still want her. I barely contact her, I just don't want her to get even hurt.

Let me grieve, let me live

Because it affect me, my friends, and my family too,

But you won't understand.

All you thought was yourself, and you and you only you

Do you even see her as a human

Do you even listen to my story?

Do you even understand my story?

Or you just assume everything I do based on your expertise?

Why do you hate her so much, while I didn't even hate anyone you loved that much.

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I know I was the biggest asshole, I know it might be trauma response, or whatever it is

Tapi ya , itulah yang terjadi dan gw gapernah menyangkal itu semua

Gw pun menyadari bahwa jiwa adalah sesuatu yang spesial, sekuat apapun kita mencoba untuk menyayangi, tapi kalau alam bawah sadar kita menyadari kejanggalan, hati kita tidak akan terbuka sepenuhnya

Dan mungkin itu lah yang terjadi

Hukuman dari Allah, atas kebodohan ku dalam memilih berhala cinta di depan mata

Menghantui dan merobohkan dinding elegi dan norma dalam waktu semalam

Membantah janji janji yang terucap untuk ditepati, dalam 10 tahun lagi.

Berkatalah langit terkutuk lah kau manusia, hati - hati dalam bermain hati, sesungguhnya laknat tangisannya jauh lebih dalam dibandingkan laknat dari rekan seperjuanganmu.

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So here we go again

I'm starting over

Gw memutuskan bahwa apa yg bisa gw perbaiki, apa yang bisa gw lakukan agar hubungan yg gw harapkan dapat tercapai

Because I know, deep inside, I am a lover

A loving person

I am the biggest lover in the world

I'll do anything for my love, I'll provide anything, anytime, anywhere they need.

Because that's what love is, giving half of my life, just so I could love you more

But I hate someone that took me for granted

I hate someone that treat me like I am an easy target to exploit

My love is pure, and loud.

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Gw kembali berkaca, bahwa semua hubungan gw

 yg berakhir memang salah gw sebagai manusia.

Gw mungkin memiliki trauma, dan setiap trigger itu muncul, I'm becoming that asshole again

But do you understand? No you just state my problem as you tried to blame me.

So here I am, standing alone again try to rebuild everything again too, not only you.

I'm standing up alone, I have fallen hundred times

But I know, that I'll get up hundred and one times

I'm used with loneliness and no words around, I've been suffering so bad from loneliness 

Trapped in the sewer, for years and years, and years

How could I betray people that lifted me up from the dark times?

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Anyway, it is what is

Gw gabisa merubah masa lalu, luka tetaplah luka, memori buruk akan tetap menjadi memori buruk.

All I could say is 

I'm sorry.

I'm still a human with soft heart

Sometimes I turn into a heartless demon. But I believe it's come from my desire.

I'm doing well, here tryna find someone to love again 

Maybe, i have won my fight against my demon.

Allah has sent me thousand of blessing towards me, and I know that it's true, I could feel it come through

Dan jadilah, gw disini mengerti bahwa hati gw belum mampu terbuka sepenuhnya, perisai jiwa melindungi hati ini dari bencana dan derita. Tetapi tetap mencoba memanusiakan manusia

Hati gw pun tau, bahwa gw belum mampu membukanya , berani lagi untuk kecewa , untuk ditinggalkan, dan untuk mencintai sedalam - dalamnya

So, I promised myself

I'll love the next one.

The one and only one.

Like I've never loved anyone else,

I'll open my heart, giving everything, become myself again. Becoming recklessly mad in love.

Not being afraid of separation, nor left out.

I don't know when, but I'll put my pin with notes

I'll love you, more than I love myself

More than I love anyone else

June. 2025